Truth to the Head: Stubborn Stains
Greetings once again, truthseekers! HoHO! And for that matter, Hoho HO! The holiday season is upon us, and Purple Ninja has finished shopping early this year! For those who have incurred the wrath of the Purple Ninja, a single day of mercy. For all who have NOT incurred the wrath of the Purple Ninja, gift cards to Cobbler’s Corner Cafe! Behold—the card is already in your wallet, through the power of NINJA TRICKERY! HoHO!
Oh, you did not find a gift card? How unfortunate for you. Purple Ninja hopes you enjoy your day of mercy.
NOW BEGINS THE INSTILLING!
Sam writes:
Purple Ninja,
Do you have trouble getting stains out of your garments? If so do you have any advice in removing Chimera Blood? I would just throw away the item usually, but this is on my best Vorpal Bunny Belt. And it took me days of tripped out hunts to get enough skins to make it.
Laundry! HoHO! Purple Ninja’s most ancient and hated foe! As you might expect, Sam-san, the life of a ninja is one of stains. So many stains, from so many fluids! The human body is coated in a thin layer of the most foul and greasy substances, to say nothing of what is inside! Purple Ninja has spent many a night scrubbing bile, gray matter, and vitreous humor from the fabric of his shinobi shōzoku with an old toothbrush. Elbow grease, Sam-san! There is no substitute!
Chimera blood, as you well know, is a different matter. Little in this world stains worse than the lifeblood of those liony/dragony/goaty abominations! Like you, Purple Ninja once marked the end of a chimera battle by the traditional burning of the soiled garments. No more, my friend! I have discovered the secret. It came to me in a vision as I relaxed on my sofa following a particularly grueling battle. As I lay there, drifting off to stealthy ninja-sleep, a mystical wizard appeared before me, and laid bare the secret of stain removal.
“BILLY MAYS HERE FOR OXICLEAN!” the wizard roared. “Watch how OxiClean unleashes the power of oxygen to make tough stains disappear!” The wizard spoke true, and Purple Ninja watched as whites were whitened and brights brightened. Through a process of trial and WILD SUCCESS—Purple Ninja does not make errors—Purple Ninja found that even the blood of the hated Chimera was no match for the mystical power of oxygen! Soiled clothing need no longer be discarded in vain. SCIENTIFICALLY METHODICAL!
Farewell, truthseekers. Purple Ninja must go decorate the Dojo Arigato for the holiday season. Time to fry up some latkes and dig the menorah out of the garage. SPINNING DREIDEL THROW!
– Purple Ninja
About the Author:
The Purple Ninja is the greatest Demon Hunter of them all, master of the Seven Essential Forms of Martial Arts, and Pizzajitsu’s Deliveryboy of the Year for 2004 and 2009!
You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I’m telling you why. Purple Ninja does not abide such behavior! NECKDART!
Have a question for the Purple Ninja? Send it to purpleninja@deadgentlemen.com.
Photo Credit: funcrush28 via Compfight cc
I thought those steaks Sam brought home were a little gamey…